Don't walk down the street with your mouth open

Driving class was aaaaamazing. I spent an hour in a car with a funny man while we drove around the city making racial slurs, crude jokes, and poking fun at the driver's test-nazis in St. Catharines. What a good break from being in the house.

I was also able to weasle myself out of a physical buuuut I have to get my cholesterol checked amongst other things. This is a reminder to me to phone them.

Bah! On the plus side, Pamuk is starting to become somewhat interesting. I'm not sure if that is me telling myself that it's enjoyable to get through it or if Pamuk's writing gets better as the pages progress.

I'm getting excited to see the yalis along the Bosphorus.

I'm starting to eat vitamic C supplements as candy, thank G-d for no toxicity level.

I think I may fast on Saturday and actually try to observe shabbos correctly. No food, no electricity, no driving, no writing, no anything. Even toilet paper has to be pre-ripped for Shabbat. I probably won't fall through on this. Shabbat ends at sundown. I really need to become more aware of contemporary halachah.

Tea break.

I'm suddenly feeling important!

I have "A" follower. Whoo!

New goal. Gain followers!

But not really.

Fuck my day is going to SUCK!

200 pages of Pamuk, doctor's office AND driving class. Hopefully my new glasses are in too.

Where's Baxter?

Somedays aren't yours at all

The saying that you appreciate something more when you lose it is cliche but ultimately true. 

It's not so much appreciating as it is realising that you should be doing things differently. It's always my lack of confidence that does me in. Everything that means most to me I shove away out of fear and panic that I will never be good enough for it.

The truth is, is that I have always been good enough and if I believe in myself I will be even better.

It's silly.

I'm smart enough

Pretty enough

A decent person

Caring

Loving

Gentle

And yet I try to convince others I am not. Why? Because I place others above me and knock myself down.

But the truth is, I belong where I am. I deserve those qualities. I embody those qualities and much more. 

With every day I become more confident and I have an urge to be a better person.

Abusing yourself is not worth it. 

I only have one body

One mind

One life

And I will make the most of it. 

I am capable of being someone great and accomplishing a lot in this lifetime. I'm capable of helping others, making others feel better about themselves, being a loving friend, a caring lover, someone that makes others want to be better people as well. 

This is who I am and who I am is who I love. 

Affirmations!

Time to get over panic. 

Hunger Hurts but Starving Works

It's funny how that becomes our mantra. Thank you Fiona Apple. Never would I have dreamed that I would feel guilty for eating. I was on the right track, not caring about what I ate, then I put on a pair of skinny jeans. But, I refuse to fall into that trap again.

I look horrible.

I gained so much weight.

I don't ever want to leave my room and yet I have to study for an exam that I have on Saturday.

I long for the day that I can wake up and not be afraid to face the day.

I long for the day when I can look into the mirror and not hate what I see.

I think this day will come.

Quidam

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUzNuG5vLY

This is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. The little girl is the daughter of French composer Benoit Jutras. I love Cirque. Melanie's sister actually does the casting for Cirque shows!

I remember auditioning for various shows. I had a Shaw audition about four years ago, it was tough. I hadn't danced for almost two hours straight for years and then to have to learn choreography and have a few minutes to memorize a whole scene.. ugh! I'm glad that I didn't get the part because I would have had to take the semester off of school and I wouldn't be where I am today, even if I did want to be a performer. 

I starred in my first professional ballet at the age of seven. When I was six I had auditioned for a show with the Buffalo City Ballet Company and I ended up being the youngest in the whole cast. The following year Marvin Askew approached my mother and told her that he wanted me as his Claire. After much debating she finally gave in. I was in this show for three years. Tchaikovsky still haunts me.

I hear that they now do yearly performances of this as their end of the year dance school show. The only time I was ever a student of the ballet company was briefly when I was twelve and I did do the Nutcracker with their dance school, that was really hard for me, especially knowing that I would never actually be a ballerina. Too short, not the right body type and wrist problems which makes it impossible for me to have proper positioning. It may have been cute when I was young but as I got older it was only frustrating.

So I switched to theatre and was privately trained as an opera singer. Yes, opera. One of my greatest kept secrets.

I often wonder how I got where I am today, studying Classics. I had always been fascinated with ancient history, but I had other plans for myself.

I won't question it. I'll just believe that this is where Gd intended me to be.

Kasha Kasha Kasha

Alright, now that I've slept I'm not so angsty no mo'. I'm making kasha and gravy for dinner and after watching youtube videos about ED's until 6am I figured out that I have a HUGE problem... I'm addicted to the interwebz. My solution to get through the next few days is to put my iMac in another room!! That's right! Taking away my LOVE.

Time to work. Nao.