Since 1pm yesterday morning I have had two coffees, a bit of mashed potatoes, the last of my box of eggos (2), and a couple of cupcakes. I'm not even hungry, I don't care to eat, I'm too worried.
I'm going to fail Greek. I can't even sleep right now so I can get up at a decent hour and start studying. I feel depressed as it is over the essays I have handed in last week. Complete and utter crap. I'm so ashamed of myself. I often wonder if others think I don't care about school but the problem is I care so much that I will make myself sick over it. If I feel defeated or stupid I will give up completely.
I'm tired of this. If I fail Greek I am going to be devastated and I can't even begin to think about what my mother is going to do.
Last time she got really upset with me she told me how lazy and worthless I am, I guess it's better than her telling me to go cut myself or go give 20$ blowjobs on street corners because it's all that I am good for.
I want to fast, I want to fast so badly but I can't. I barely have the energy and concentration to sit still for ten minutes.
Why am I so fucked up?
Last week I had a headache so I took one codeine pill. One turned into two, then two turned into three, and three turned into eight... I really need to move out.
I haven't overdosed on anything in a couple of years and I don't plan on doing that again anytime soon.
It's a horrible feeling. You mess up and then you feel ashamed for messing up and so you mess up again! Vicious cycle.
I'm not even depressed. In fact, I feel nothing. I feel void of everything. I'm just kind of sitting here waiting for Wednesday to come.
Time to TRY to sleep (such a lie) so I can try to study Greek.
I
Can't
Fail
This
Exam
In fact, I won't. I won't!
AFFIRMATIONS!
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